Maybe you’re reading this and you’re offended; deep down, you know you’re a hipster, and you don’t want to be penalised for your tastes, thanks very much. Or maybe you’re reading this with a wry smile, thinking ‘I do enjoy laughing at people with fashionable haircuts and affected ways of speaking.’ Either way, this article is for you. Here’s how to travel in style (well, like a hipster). Enjoy.
Organise your own day trips. The tour operator offers a trip to a local artisan bakery after a breathtaking trip through the mountains and a quick-stop off at a local village. Sounds great, right? Hire a car and do the exactly same trip by yourself, at great expense, as being seen dead with a load of other tourists is pretty gauche.
Fuss about food. Even if you’re somewhere with food remarkably similar to home, decry it, claiming you’re intolerant, or it doesn't smell right, or it’s not ethically sourced, or it hasn't been made locally. Then head to the supermarket on day two to surreptitiously buy sandwich ingredients to eat in your room.
Show off your reading material. Make sure that everyone knows you like reading philosophy, the Beano annual and a little book on 1970s French fashions you found in a bin after a party. Leave it around the resort for people to find and hand back to you.
Remain fully clothed by the pool. Just do it. Tanning will ruin your look.
Talk in a loud, authoritative voice. Sorry, religious folk who just happen to be in the temple as well right now - you’re the number one traveller in this group, and you’re in the house. And you’d like to discuss how the building makes you feel. Loudly.
Avoid joining in with the fun. Make yourself clear on day one - you don’t play water polo, you don’t want to ride the banana boat, and you don’t want to have a massage on your sun lounger. Be gone!
Let everyone on the plane know about your hangover. Use your jacket and the tray table as a pillow, and jerk when you fall asleep. Complain in a high, fey voice about how bad you feel, and what you got up to last night. Be curt with the stewards; after all, it is their fault you feel so dreadful. Drink so much water you are constantly using the toilet. Knock on the door if someone’s in there when you need it.
Find people just as grating as you. She’s 17 and has a tattoo inspired by Kanye West (irony! God, that’s clever!) and you threw a tantrum during breakfast because there was nothing gluten free. Even if romance doesn't blossom, hone in on each other and spend the holiday glowering at everyone else, much like cats at the vet.
Don’t speak the language. Because speaking French is so passé, you know? #LoveLyfe
Keep your sunglasses on at all costs. Even if it’s the middle of the night and you are fumbling about looking for the bathroom, keep them on! Don’t tarnish your reputation by letting one person seeing the whole of your face; think about all the hard work you've put in.